Thank
you Notes from Hell
Jan-Jun 2000
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Six years ago my best friend got married. A mutual
friend of ours attended my friends wedding. He fancies himself a high
roller--nice boat, BMW, big new house, etc. My friend and his wife later
mentioned to us that our high-roller friend gave them a generous wedding
gift of a rumpled $20 bill in a card. We all got a chuckle out of that.....
Well, when my wife and I got married three years later, we were curious as
to what our high-roller friend would give us. As soon as we got back from
our honeymoon, we began to open gift envelopes as my wife started a list for
the thank-you notes.....Finally, we get to the card from my high-roller
friend--with nothing in it! My wife and I were a little ticked--we figure
that at a minimum you should at least cover the cost of your dinner and
drinks when you attend a wedding. Mr. High Roller likes to drink, and he
brought a date as well. After lots of talking it out, I decided to send a
thank you anyway for coming and sharing our special day. Six months ago, Mr.
High Roller gets married...Agonizingly I wrote a check for $100 to the new
couple, refusing to stoop to his level of etiquette...As you have probably
already figured out, we has still not received a thank you for our gift. And
yes, we did get the canceled check back from the bank, so I know he got it.
It doesn't surprise me, as this history of etiquette hell warned us of what
to expect..
Thankyou0204-03
A recurring theme in many Ehell submissions is the
presumption of knowing someone's financial status. Outward displays of
wealth are deceiving and cannot accurately reflect the net wealth of the
owners. I'm reminded of that recent TV commercial in which the
husband points out his big house (while cleaning the in ground pool), new
car, riding lawnmower, golf membership and cheerfully says through gritted
teeth, "I'm in debt up to my eyeballs. Somebody help
me."
Or the classic case of mistaken perception of
wealth is within Jane Austen's book "Persuasion" where Anne
Elliott is astonished to discover her suitor's appearance of wealth is a
sham and that he lives on loans.
A person should not presume to know another's
financial health and presume to think they are somehow privy to a certain
percentage of it as though rich people owe a greater gift than less
monetarily endowed friends or family.
My story isn't so much about the thank you notes I
have gotten as it is about a person who received one from me. The summer of
my wedding was very busy. My best friend was getting married the Saturday
after my wedding in another city three states away. We were Maid/Matron of
Honor for each other. The four of us were then going to go on a two week
group honeymoon to Alaska (which turned out to be a great time-I recommend
it!) For me to pull off this whole thing, I knew I'd need to be organized.
One faux pas I had been warned of my whole life was sending out thank you's
that were late. My mother would be mortified if I didn't send out notes
promptly. I was ready, though, with my stack of thank you notes, stamps,
address list and supply of fun pens. My mother would be so proud!
We opened presents the day after my wedding. I had
three days before I had to leave to help my best friend get married and then
I'd be gone for two weeks. I knew that, when I returned from my honeymoon, I
would be swamped at work. I spent the Monday after my wedding writing thank
you notes to all of the 250 people who were at the wedding---even if they
didn't give a gift, I thanked them for attending. Truthfully, I thought that
people would be charmed to get the thank you note so quickly and I tried to
include a short message that was personalized to them, as I still had
wedding memories fresh in my mind. I worked from 6 a.m. to 9 p.m. taking
very few breaks. By 9 p.m., and with the help of my husband, they were all
done. We mailed them the next day. I was shocked, then, when I returned to
work and was accosted by a coworker. She asks me if I wrote the notes on my
wedding night (like I had nothing better to do) then proceeds to tell me
that I was terribly rude to send out the notes that soon because it made it
look like all I cared about was the gifts. I was entirely too focused on the
gifts, she told me, and if she had known that, she would never have given me
the gift she did. She said that she hoped that I would have the good taste
to apologize to people for being so self-centered. Then she proceeds to tell
me that I shouldn't have written thank you's to people who merely attended
because they didn't "deserve" them--I'm not even sure how she knew
I'd written those. Here I thought I was doing the right thing in getting the
notes out and have unintentionally violated some unknown wedding etiquette.
I suppose she would have liked it better had I sent them six months later
and photocopied them!
Thankyou0207-03
My husband has been working for years for the same
company, and his boss and the boss' wife have been like family to us. We
were excited for them when we learned about a year ago that their only son
was getting married. The bride, a hairdresser, seemed like a sweet girl and
we even hoped that she might get the groom to settle down and stay in one
profession for a while. The wedding was at a church an hour away, with an
hour-long drive back to the reception. The church was of a conservative
denomination, and the layout provided a small narrow hallway perpendicular
to the huge sanctuary, with massive curved pews and royal-blue shag
carpeting. The ceremony started half an hour late, but the pianist was a
real pro and we enjoyed beautiful music while we waited. Unfortunately, the
rehearsal apparently didn't include plans for what the 3-year-old ring
bearer should do for the balance of the 45-minute ceremony (complete with
20-minute sermon), so he wasn't released to the care of a kindly adult in a
pew but had to stand there on the altar. Fortunately, his mother, a
bridesmaid with impeccable aplomb, handed her bouquet to another attendant
and picked up her sweet boy and held him. (He was so sweet! But a little
squirmy, as any self-respecting 3-year-old would be.) Ceremony ended, and
the receiving line was held in the hall, unfortunately, since it was
suddenly pouring outside, but everyone was a good sport about it. We had
given the bride and groom an expensive glass pitcher, one of those simple,
curved designs that we thought was really beautiful. Regardless of what
people gave her, however, I guess she had already decided on an approach to
thanking them. Several weeks after they had returned from the honeymoon, we
received a preprinted card. "Thank You," the front said. On the
inside was preprinted: Thank you so much for your lovely gift." At
least she signed the card with their names. Mind you, I'm a little sensitive
about this because when we got married, my husband and I were sticklers for
hand-writing thank-you notes for the shower and wedding, but I just think
preprinted thank-you notes are in poor taste.
Thankyou0423-03
About ten years ago, I introduced a couple to each
other who later that year decided to marry. He was a very close friend of
mine and also good friends with my dad. She and I had known each other for
some years, but were not as close. As the wedding date approached I was
surprised not to receive an invitation. I was a close enough friend that I
mentioned it to the groom in case the invitation had been lost. Turned out I
wasn't invited, because they disapproved of my lifestyle of the time (the
wedding was meat-free, alcohol-free, you get the picture). They did invite
my parents though. Now, it is completely their right to invite whom they
choose, for whatever reason they choose, it's their wedding. I sent a gift
which I had already commissioned from a local artist as soon as they got
engaged. It was a pottery dish featuring a scene of their beloved Dalmatian in their garden. The kicker? Neither my parents, who did attend the wedding,
nor me received a thank you note. When I had occasion to chat to the groom
at a social function six months later I asked if the gift had been received.
He informed me that it had, and that he hadn't sent a thank you note because
shortly after the wedding the dog had died, and thus my gift was too
upsetting for them to feel like acknowledging it.
Thankyou0612-03
Hello! I have a story about a tacky thank you note.
I work in an office as an assistant to the department secretary. One day I
received a fax. Apparently my boss had either helped to plan a party for or
given a group gift to a lady in another department, but rather than send out
individual thank you notes she had bought one thank you card, written the
names of the three other ladies and my boss on the inside of the card and
drawn little boxes beside their names. After the other ladies had received
the card and checked their names off the list it was my bosses turn to see
the card. However, rather than send the card by interoffice mail (which is
bad enough) they laid it flat on the copy machine, copied the inside and the
outside (even the back, UPC and all) , and FAXED it to my boss. This was
over a year ago and I an still aghast at how tacky this was! Thanks for
letting me share! I love your website!!! Brandi R. Gooch I'm not even
supposed to be here today! Thankyou0728-03
Thoroughly enjoy your site and had to pass along
my brief encounter with poor wedding etiquette. About three years ago, I
was invited to a wedding of a former close friend from high school. We had
not really talked in several years, but I was nonetheless pleased to
receive an invitation to her nuptials. While the wedding itself only
contained a few faux paus (the seating was not assigned, so because I did
not know any of the wedding guests, I sat rather awkwardly with the
bride's work acquaintances and the deserts consisted of wrapped ice cream
bars), the wedding invitation and the (lack of) thank-you note is really
where the bride's lack of manners begin to show. Not only were there FIVE
places where the bride and groom were registered that was displayed
proudly on the invitation, nearly three years after the wedding, I have
yet to receive a thank-you note. Since the bride and I were indeed close
friends in high school and we shared the same faith, I purchased a very
expensive Bible for her and her new husband with their names engraved on
the front. Furthermore, since I had not spoken with the bride in many
years, I wrote a very thoughtful, five-page letter that I enclosed with
the gift, detailing my thanks to the bride for being such a good friend.
Almost a year after the wedding and not a word of thanks from the bride, I
receive an email saying: "(Groom) and I are still happily
married!!!!! I heard that you moved!!!!! What's your new address so I can
send a thank-you note????" I replied with my new address, sure that I
would receive thanks from the bride. Two years later, I have still not
heard from the bride. The way I see it, even though I would never dream of
not sending a proper thank-you note, if one is going to skip sending
thanks, the bride should not send out solicitations for the thankee's new
address.
Thankyou0801-03
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