TACKY TOASTS

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I actually can't believe I'm not in here, as last summer at my best friends wedding where I was the MOH, I made two quite crass faux pas in my speech. The Best man did not know either set of parents, so he asked if I would take care of this part of our combined speech duties, I said no problem, as I knew both sets and loved each set of parents dearly. I worked on my speech for months and practiced it many times in front of the mirror and my husband, and come the wedding day, I was ready. Unfortunately, it didn't come out quite as I had practiced it. 

When I thanked the groom's parents for raising a wonderful man that my best friend had fallen in love with, I instead stated that they had raised a man that my HUSBAND had fallen in love with. Ha, Ha, laughter ensued and you would think that was it right. Nope, not by a long shot. Next I was to thank her parents, dear lord, it's been over a year and I still cringe at what I did. The line was supposed to be "...You have raised a daughter that has a good head..." Instead I said "You have raised a daughter that GIVES good head.." I got through the rest of the speech fine, but after the speeches were done and I could excuse myself, I went to the bathroom and began crying. I truly did feel bad for the mistakes I had made. But I will say this, everyone, even the wait staff sought me out to tell me that it was a good speech, however, the only opinion I cared about was my best friend's and she thought it was hilarious, but she's that kind of person. However to this day, when we watch the video, I make her fast forward through my part!

Toasts0807-07

When my cousin's son was married, his best man (and roommate) stood up at the reception and gave his toast.  He reached under the table and pulled out a toilet plunger with a ribbon around it and presented it to the bride and proceeded to announce that she would need this because the groom always clogged up their toilet with his bowel movements. 

 Toasts1020-07

I was at a wedding where the Groom’s mother gave a speech describing her new daughter-in-law as “a blessing in disguise”. This could have been written off as a mere slip of the tongue except that the Bride, while a very sweet girl, was an unemployed mother of 3 children by three father’s, with a criminal record, and a reputation in the small community they live in.

Toasts0106-08

I was at a wedding recently where the Groom had a Best Woman. Fine. When it was time for the speeches she stood up and said, "I met Groom when we were 12 at camp. Afterwards we kept in touch via letter. My mom joked we would kill our mailman with tiredness we wrote to each other so often. I always thought we'd be together. Then he met Bride."  Then she sat down, without even proposing a toast.

At least it was short and funny! Poor girl!

Toasts0131-08

My sister was married recently to the man of her dreams. He's a wonderful man and his only major fault is his father. This, thankfully, didn't happen at the wedding, but instead at the rehearsal dinner. My sister, "Tanya" and her then future husband, "Steve" decided they would pay for the rehearsal dinner. His father intervened and said that he wanted something very formal and basically expensive and so he would pay for her. Okay, that seems fine, right?

Well, they made all of the reservations and then out of nowhere, he declares he can't afford it anymore. It was much more than they had planned to spend, but they went ahead and paid for it. They had some money set aside, so while it was inconvenient, it didn't keep them from their honeymoon or anything.

At the rehearsal dinner, Steve's dad gets up to make a speech. Before this, my brother had said he wanted to talk to Steve's dad about how terrible he thought everything was, but we talked him out of it. Well, Steve's dad starts his speech with, "I'm Steve's dad, you know, the guy who's paying for your meal tonight!" Yeah. He said that. I look at my sister who has eyes the size of dinner plates she's so shocked, Steve's got his hand over his forehead, my parents are stunned. I turned around and my brother's head had basically exploded. 

The rest of the toast was rambling about Steve's deceased half-brother (the hell? He was Steve's brother from his mother and his father barely knew him!), insinuating that baby-making should begin IMMEDIATELY after the wedding because he wanted him a grandbaby, and basically insulting Steve because he never thought he'd end up with someone like Tanya.

On the wedding night, he followed my family members around asking about my wedding (the following year) and if they thought he'd get to come to that one, too. Um, no buddy. I don't know you and I don't like you.

Is it bad that, after the wedding, all I could think about was how I couldn't wait to email you the story?

Toasts0503-08

Bride’s dad gives a toast. That involved the normal things. Then he began talking about grandkids. And how many he wants. And how the Groom's family is prolific (they are good Catholics). Where is this going?

Well, nowhere good. Bride’s Dad then began talking about how the Groom should wear boxers b/c that keeps you cooler (you know….) and then I swear to God he then used the phrase “his Little Swimmers”.

Yes folks he mentioned the Groom's sperm in the toast to his daughter.

Toasts0519-08