TACKY TOASTS

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This summer, I attended a destination wedding on a beautiful island. One of the bridesmaids, Jenny, had a very close but turbulent relationship with the bride, Liza. Jenny and Liza were known to be very competitive with each, and would often fight like cats and dogs. In fact, a few months before the wedding, they had a knock-down, drag-out fight and ended up in counseling together! At the reception, Jenny got up to toast the happy couple, but used the opportunity to make an announcement about herself. "I have to tell you all that I'm pregnant. So if I get emotional, that's why!" That's one way to steal the spotlight from the bride.

Toasts1004-04

About a year ago I was at my friend Dawn's wedding to Ben. The best man, Bubba, got up to toast the new couple. The toast went something along the lines of, "Life is a bitch. You never know where you are going to be. You never know what the future will bring. You might be happy, or you might be divorced in a year." He rambled on for a few more minutes. The toast didn't even mention Dawn and Ben, or their marriage. He didn't even wish them well. Needless to say, all the guests sat there uncomfortably, in total silence, until the groom's father stepped in and said a few nice words. However, I doubt any of the guests even remember the nice toast after the stunt Bubba pulled.

It turns out that Bubba was right though...Dawn and Ben were divorced in a year. Bad karma perhaps?

Toasts1117-04

Several years ago, my husband "David" and I attended a friend's wedding. "Brandon", the groom, was, at the time, an Army Ranger. His brother, "Dylan", was the best man, and an Army pal, "Steve" was a groomsman. Dylan's then-GF, now ex-wife, "Brenda", was a bridesmaid. (There were a few other attendants, but they don't come into it.) The ceremony was absolutely lovely. Then the bridal party left the church and spent the two-three hours before the ceremony riding around in the limo drinking champagne, and, I think, some hard liquor. By the time they arrived, everyone was in various stages of inebriation. 

When everyone was seated, the attendants assembled to toast the B&G. Dylan made a short, maudlin, but heartfelt speech, then turned the mike over to Steve. Steve, who was either the most loaded or the least able to hold his liquor out of all of them, started a rambling speech about how he and Brandon had met in Basic. Somehow he veered off into a rant about the sacrifices service people made (this was pre-9/11, but even now, his attitude would not have been well received). He got stuck on this subject, and I could see "Kelly", the bride, drop her smile, whisper something to Brandon, then bravely paste her smile back on. David and I were at the same table with Brenda's dad, who is ex-Army. He wasn't in my eye line, but David could see him clearly, and noticed him grow increasingly more agitated. By the time Steve got to saying, "So when you punks are warm in your beds on a Sunday morning you just think about us freezing our asses off in a tent in the Persian Gulf (people freeze in the Persian Gulf?) and you wouldn't be there without us...", Brenda's dad had half-risen, pushing back his chair and scowling. Dylan, seeing this, reclaimed the mike and said something, I forget what, but it was enough to get Brenda's dad back in his seat. 

Dylan then passed the mike to the other groomsman (Kelly's brother), who began telling Brandon what a fine choice he'd made. There was an audible exhalation around the room. As I mentioned before, Dylan and Brenda are now divorced. Brandon and Kelly are still together, but he's now a cop. First in his class at the police academy, I might add! I don't know what happened to Steve. Oh, and I fumbled the bouquet. Brenda officially caught it, but I was still the next bride!

Toasts1212-04