Childhood Promises To Be Each Other’s Maid Of Honor

by admin on February 21, 2012

I apologize in advance as this will be a very long story. Growing up, I had a best friend, as many do. I’ll call her Molly. We were so close that her parent’s called me an adopted child and we would literally spend weeks staying at each others’ houses in the summers. We had always promised each other that we would be the maid of honor at our respective weddings. So, fast forward to adult-hood. We are both engaged, but her wedding is scheduled before mine. Of course we get all excited and giddy. Time flies by and she decides that she will only have family in her wedding party. I figure this is just fine because she alone has 3 sisters and two sister-in-laws. But she does ask me to be her attendant.

I was a little sad, but I totally understood and was excited to be a part of her big day. We talk about what I’ll be doing as an attendant; going with to pick a dress, attending dress fittings, help address invitations, help throw a bridal shower. But time goes on and I don’t hear anything from her about any of these events. Until I receive an invitation to a bridal shower. (Which was very awkward as it was just family and there is some history between the groom, his family, and myself. (I had always had a HUGE crush on her fiance and I was convinced I was going to marry him one day.))

About a week before her wedding, I met with my Molly to see if she really wanted me to be involved in the wedding since I had not been included in any of the things we had previously discussed. She said that she did want me to be her attendant and that she’d just been so busy with everything.

A week later, it’s the hottest day of the summer. I drive two hours in a vehicle with no AC to her church. When I arrive, everyone else is already there. They had arrived early to take pictures. I was not informed. After finding the bride and giving her a bag full of emergency goodies (band aids, tissues, clear nail polish, a nail file…) she tells me, “we had a flower for you, but we gave it to an usher.” Okay… What I don’t know wouldn’t have hurt me. Then I see that I am one of TWO attendants and the other attendant is giving me a dirty look as in, what the heck is she doing back here? I also notice that it is NOT only family in the wedding party. She has included some friends from college. I swallowed my hurt and ask if there is anything I can do, all while cooing over how beautiful she looked. (Despite the fact that she had purchased a dress that was too small for her hoping she would lose some weight before the big day. I felt so bad because it was so tight you could actually see her belly button.) Nope. But… and here’s the kicker… “I need you to stay after the wedding to pick up trash with my Mom and Aunt.” My jaw dropped, but I was so stunned that I couldn’t say anything.

After the ceremony, her mother, aunt and I are picking up a room that was full of trash. We couldn’t find a dumpster, so we piled everything into our cars to throw away later. .. somewhere. By the time we all arrived at the reception, cocktail hour was over and the wedding party had already made their entrance. Her poor Mother was beside herself. Molly and her new husband did not have a receiving line and they did not talk to anyone not in the wedding party all night. I ended up leaving shortly after the cake cutting, which was not announced, so most people were not aware that it had happened.

My engagement fell apart, and now that I am again engaged (this time to a man I could never live without), it is safe to say that not only will Molly not be my maid of honor, she will not make it on so much as my Christmas card list.  1011-11

Friends should not be held to childhood promises born out of future dreams of “what if”.   People and circumstances change, people grow up and develop other relationships.  You just cannot keep someone hostage to a wishful promise made when they were not in any position to be considering marriage.  Let it go.

I’m more troubled that a bride would subject her own mother and aunt to clean up duty in the middle of the wedding day.  That was a rather epic planning failure on someone’s part.

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Fifteen Year Grudge Over Lack of Shower For Second Wedding

by admin on February 20, 2012

This has been bothering me for some time and I hope you can give me advice about what to do.

Years ago my sister got married for the 2nd time. I was the maid of honor. It was my understanding (I don’t know if I’m wrong now!) that for a 2nd wedding there wasn’t a bridal shower. Did I mix that up with baby showers?

Anyway, at that time I was very poor and couldn’t have afforded to host a party at all. I could barely afford my bridesmaid dress.

Years later, my sister criticized me for not throwing a party. I was stunned. She then informed me that she’d mentioned it to our mother. Our mother told her NOT to bring it up to me as I couldn’t afford it. But she mentioned it to me years later anyway.

Did I drop the ball with the party? How can I make it up? The wedding was about 15 years ago. Any advice as to what I can do…if anything? 0220-12

Your sister has been nursing her resentful grudge  for 15 years? Oh, good heavens!  Your sister needs to suck it up and get over it. Your mother knew her manners in that she didn’t step up to the plate to offer to host a shower her one daughter could not afford just so the other daughterwouldn’t feel deprived.

You are correct that those getting married for the second time (and third and fourth and fifth) should have no expectation of others hosting bridal showers for them.  The purpose of a shower is to equip the newlyweds with the necessary items to create a household. Yes, I know in recent years the wedding shower has morphed into a gimme extravaganza where guests are instructed to purchase everything from honeymoon excursions to sports equipment and anything related to the pursuit of the couple’s hobbies.   But a bridal shower is not a wedding related event that a bride can demand someone host in her honor.

That said, we should consider that your sister’s “love language” means she equates action to mean “I love you”.  Not hosting any party in her honor was the equivalent of not expressing love.  To address her grudge, I think I’d only say, “I am so sorry I did not host a tea party or some festive get together during your engagement.  I was young, stupid and poor back then.  But I hope you can forgive me.”    Apologies such as this defuse angry resentments and absolves you of any further obligation in the matter.  If your sister wants to coddle, love and nurture her offense further, she’ll have to do it on her own while you have wiped the slate clean and can move forward.

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Homemade Invitation Hell

by admin on February 16, 2012

I’d like to ask a question based on an issue that arose with a [now former] friend last year. I honestly would like to know if I should have handled the situation differently, or whether I was extremely rude in any part of my communications and dealing with said friend.

My friend and I, or “K”, as I’ll call her, grew up in the same town together. We were best friends for nearly two decades. She’d had a bad run of men who’d break her heart before she’d met “C”, and once she did meet him – that was it. Wedding plans were made ten months after they’d been together, and we had about four months before the wedding to play with. She was happy, he was happy, and that’s all that matters, right?

Anyway, when they announced their engagement, she approached me to help with the stationary, as I’m an avid card-maker and scrapbooker and was working three times a week in a store that specializes in paper, craft goods, and offered an invitation making service on the side. At this time I was also studying commerce full time and not receiving any student benefits – my partner was the main breadwinner for us, and we were saving for a place of our own.

So when K asked, I agreed. I loved this girl like a sister so my partner and I offered to pay for half of the material costs as our wedding gift to her. I’d put it together, and she’d pay the other half. We got complete agreement. When she came over a week later to drop something off, we asked again if she was fine with
that arrangement. Again, no issues, and she was actually pretty happy about it.

So, the Man and I made sure that between day-to-day living costs, rent costs, and other expenses, that we had enough to ensure that we could make good on our side of the deal, regardless of whether the design was budget-friendly or budget-unfriendly – keep in mind that a full suite of stationary CAN cost up to and over a thousand dollars, easily! But I digress. K and I got our stuff together, went in to my workplace on one of my days off and had a look at the “inspiration books” we offer and made up a few samples until K found one she loved.

Now, here’s where I start worrying that I may have totally stuffed up.

We went to visit her parents to see what they thought about the invitations, and with a beaming smile K announced that I had offered to pay for ALL of the invitations and other stationary. I was completely stunned and, in hindsight, I’m pretty proud I didn’t spurt out a quick “What the FORK are you on about?”

So, what did I do? I did ask her if I could talk to her quickly and privately and asked what she meant by that. I told her that I didn’t appreciate being put on the spot like that, and that the Man and I couldn’t afford to pay for the whole lot right now, and that to be fair that it wasn’t our responsibility to pay for her stationary – we were paying half as a gift to her and C, not because we were obliged to.

I got a terse apology and a remark that things were far more expensive than she thought paper could be, and that she’d pay her half if, and I quote, “I was going to be like that.” Needless to say she wasn’t extremely hostile so I just brushed it off as me maybe having humiliated her by pulling her up on it, which made
me feel kind of horrid in turn. I feel like I was a bit short and probably could have been nicer about it.

A few days later, I ask her when she wants to go in to get the materials as we’re getting pretty close to the time she should start sending out her invitations, especially since she’s got quite a few internationally-based family members and friends that need to start planning travel time. K says she’ll need to check to see how many invitations she needs to do and then we can go get everything. Not a problem, I think. But from there on in I got nothing but extreme bean-dipping whenever I asked if she needed help with anything, or if
she wanted to get started on her invites, so I gave up after a while and asked her to let me know if she didn’t want me to do them for her. She assured me yes, she did.

When it hit to two months before the wedding, I ended up calling her and telling her that if she was going to be non-committal, that unfortunately I wouldn’t be able to help her with her invitations, as exams were starting up soon and that she’d never gotten back to me, and that the Man and I would simply buy something off of her registry instead. At that point I got told that I was inconsiderate and that I was looking for a cheap way out for her gifts – and I just said that I was sorry she felt that way, said goodbye,
and hung up the phone.

About a month later we finally get an invitation – same design we’d figured out, and to be honest and probably catty, they weren’t put together very well. K apparently had them done at a competitor to my work who is, quite frankly, renowned for shoddy quality. We couldn’t attend the wedding – by then we’d found out that the Man’s transfer to one of his company’s international offices had been approved early and we had to scramble to get everything sorted before we left.

We sent our regrets and a gift and to this day we have had no response about either from the bride. We did get a quick letter from the groom thanking us for the gift and wishing us well in the move, though.

We DID get an email from K asking why we never ponied up for the wishing well, which she apparently had as well as the registry, though. I didn’t respond. I was quite angry at her email and by the time I cooled down I.. well, I kind of decided that it was in my best interests to not respond and leave the ball in her court, as childish as that seems.

I guess my question, Miss Jeanne, is this; was I in the wrong for pulling her up on what she’d told her parents right then and there? Or should I have waited? Could I or should I have handled it better? My other half believes that she was always a gimme pig and it was her way of trying to get something for nothing, but I don’t really ever remember her being a Pig from the Gimme Tribe.

On a side note – I’ve done wedding and engagement invitations with the same arrangement with other friends both before and after this incident with no problems whatsoever. So I really don’t understand why K had such a complete about-face. I can honestly tell you that there are no other ulterior stories or reasons that I know of. 0710-11

I don’t see anything amiss in how you communicated with K about the differences in payment arrangements.  Pulling her aside to discuss it in private, away from parents’ ears, was discreet but necessary.   You both had an understanding of what your gift to her entailed and K changed the arrangement.  Better to set the record straight right away than to have waited while the rearrangement became permanently implanted in her mind.

I suspect K realized she could not afford your invitations and rather than discuss her budget constraints openly and honestly to come up with a solution, she tried an end run around you by guilting you into paying for all of the invitation supplies.   It’s sad when good friendships and family relationships wither away due to one person’s expectations that they are owed more from the relationship than is reasonable.

I know you’ve had success in the past making similar arrangements with other friends but when friendship overlaps with providing a quasi/semi-professional service, it is best to have a simple contract so that everyone is on board together.  No misunderstanding, no “I thought you said this” disagreements, or poor recollecting.  Particularly when money is the commodity being bartered and time means money.  I’ve seen way too many misunderstandings and offense taken over poorly understood or communicated expectations.

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The “Greenback” Shower….How To Decline Participating

by admin on February 15, 2012

Dear eHellions,

 I’m hoping you can give me some advice on a potentially embarrassing situation. A wedding or baby shower invitation in this area usually comes with the name of the store the couple is registered at. Not an Emily Post approved move, I know, but part of the culture here. Invitees actually get annoyed if that information is left out and they have to extract it from the hosts separately.

With that said, my best friend is getting married soon and I am standing up for her as a bridesmaid. She and her fiance live with her mother and due to financial and other difficulties, will not be moving out until sometime after the wedding. They have both lived on their own before and have all the accouterments to keep house; it’s just all in storage. Her mother wants to make sure she has the full wedding experience and, thus, a bridal shower. Since space is limited and finances are tight, MOB and the other bridesmaids thought a “greenback” shower would be a great idea. The bride doesn’t want to disappoint her mother (assertiveness really isn’t her thing) and I don’t want to disappoint the bride, but I don’t want my name associated with this gimmiefest at all. In fairness, their intentions are good, but you do know what they say about good intentions and the road to eHell. Is there anything I can do to turn this potential train wreck around before the invitations go out?  0210-12
You may have to be the assertive bridesmaid who raises the objection to hosting a “shower” that is really nothing more than a charity fund-raising event.  If you are overruled by the majority, you may politely decline to participate in the hospitality but please do attend anyway.  I’d go so far as to bring a small, wrapped gift for the bride to open.  But no money.  It’s just beyond crass for the bride to sit encircled by her friends and family opening cards which contain cash amounts.  “Oh, look!  $50.00 from Aunt Jen!”

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Venue Entitlement From The Vendor’s Perspective

by admin on February 13, 2012

I work at a restaurant, and I have a few short stories that have occurred this past wedding season, but they all go under one theme: taking “It’s my day!” too far.

-One mother of the bride, whose daughter was getting married in the evening, was upset that the restaurant held a reception in the morning for another couple. She was never told that we only do one wedding per day because she never asked. If she had asked, we would have told her that we sometimes have doubles, but there is always a few hours in between with plenty of time to flip the room.

-Another bride who came in the middle of the week to show some out-of-town guests what the reception area looked like was furious when she saw that we had a corporate function. She said to the manager, “Why are you holding corporate events during the week of my wedding?” like her wedding was a major international event.

-One wedding party simply would not leave; they had the room until midnight. At 2 AM my boss finally told them that they had to leave the function room because they were past their allotted time. The mother of the bride even flat out told my boss, “It’s OUR day, and we’re ENTITLED to stay as long as we want!” (Let me add here that while the mother of the bride felt she was entitled to stay as long as she wanted, she did not feel that the restaurant was “entitled” to the amount she agreed to pay if she stayed past her time; she pitched a fit because she was charged for staying 8 hours instead of 6.)

-The restaurant is connected to an inn. One wedding party had a wedding on a Sunday night. The next day, a different group had a conference in that same function space. As the wedding party was checking out, one of the members was loudly complaining to the clerk at the front desk because there was an event in the function space, and “Don’t you think it’s too soon after the wedding to have an event? Why is there an event going on now?” (Note: you cannot hear anything from the function space when you are in the inn hallways, so it wasn’t like the conference woke up the guests.)

This sense of entitlement just astounds me. Yes, it is *your* day, but that means that it’s your day to celebrate your marriage with family and friends. The key word here is “day”. It’s not your “week” or “weekend” where the restaurant closes and the employees stay home, waiting for your wedding. It does not mean that you are entitled to have the function space beyond your allotted time; it does not mean that the establishment has to keep its calendar clear a certain number of days before or after your wedding. If you want the function hall free and clear for a certain amount of time, then you should book it for a longer period of time. Places that hold receptions are businesses, and to keep the business running, the owners need to book events. And if you do decide to stay past your allotted time, you are not entitled to stay free of charge.

Don’t get me wrong. A couple is entitled to have a fun, happy day. We will make sure that things run smoothly and everything is top-notch. But I just do not understand this expectation that some bridal parties have that the function space is somehow theirs beyond or even before the time they booked the room.    0209-12

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Expecting The Wedding To Be A Family Kumbaya Moment

by admin on February 7, 2012

Recently, my husband and I were in attendance at the wedding of his half-sister to a very nice young man. The ceremony was located across the state from our hometown and entailed a 2.5 hour drive one way, but we were more than willing to make the trek. We called my husband’s grandmother before the wedding and arranged to carpool with her and her significant other (they have trouble driving at night and we didn’t want them to have to leave the reception early).

Shortly after we arrived at the ceremony site, it became clear to us that, besides ourselves, one aunt and uncle (the aunt was a reader) and the parents of the bride, there were no other members of my husband’s family present. This was by no means a very small wedding and the majority of the church pews were filled with guests. I was particularly disturbed that the bride’s only sister was not in attendance. Apparently, it was not worth it for to her to come in from out of state. Mind you, as this sister had previously de-invited the bride from her own wedding (and wedding party), I guess it was only to be expected. My husband was more disturbed that his other in-state aunt and uncle and several cousins did not come. These people had no farther to travel than we did, and less of a distance, in fact, since we were required to go out of our way to pick up the GMOB. One cousin apparently begged off because she had trouble finding a babysitter and had a class to go to that day. No one else had even bothered to offer an explanation for their absence.

At the ceremony site, it seemed as though the bride and groom were being cared for by the least attentive attendants ever. The groomsmen did not usher any guests to their seats and, in fact, only ushered their assigned bridemaids into place. So who seated the mothers and grandmothers? The groom. He went down the aisle, then back, then down the aisle, then back, about 5 or 6 times. Shortly after the happy couple left the building to a shower of bubbles, I happened to notice the bride’s train dragging on the parking lot. I grabbed her dress off the ground and started looking for a bridesmaid to hand off to. There were none. Nor were there any groomsmen. It seems they were all on the other side of the church taking a smoke break.

Pictures were taken and we all headed off to the reception site. When we get there we find that the aunt and uncle who did come to the ceremony had decided to skip the reception and go back home to take care of their sick cat. Mind you, this cat has been dying for a good 6 years now, so its not as if this couple could not have made arrangements for someone else to give it any necessary care so that they could attend their niece’s wedding reception. The toast was held off until after dinner, which we found a little odd, and which becomes an issue later on. We got our food from the buffet, which was actually rather good, and it’s during dinner that the MOB states that she “Has to go soon.” We were surprised. Who leaves early from their daughter’s wedding? Her reasoning? She had a dog sitter and couldn’t afford to pay for it much longer. She also may have said something about having to work early the next day, which I understand a little (it was a long drive), but I can’t understand why she couldn’t take just one day off to ensure she was there for her daughter’s big day.

MOB gets up to talk to the bride, and I can see from the unhappy look on the bride’s face that she must be telling her that she has to leave. Well, the bride seems to take it fairly well and the MOB goes out to her car to get the jeans and comfortable shirt she had brought to drive home in. While she’s changing in the ladies room of the reception hall, FOB (who has been divorced from MOB for several years now) annouces to our table that he has to leave when MOB does. What?! I’m not entirely certain what his explanation was, but I think it had something to do with only one of the two of them having driving directions back home. At this point, GMOB starts trying to intervene. She mentions that he’ll miss all the special events, including the father-daughter dance. FOB makes some idication that he didn’t think they were having the dance. MOB comes back from the restroom, says a quick goodbye to everyone, and leaves the reception site. In a twinkling, FOB jumps up, says “Yeah, I gotta go too,” and virtually runs to the door. The rest of us at the table were left speechless.

As of yet, there has been no toast, no cake cutting and no dancing.

Sometime later after cake and sparkling cider had been served, and possibly the lamest best man speech ever offered up for the toast, the bride starts gathering people for the dances. She comes over to our table wondering where FOB is. Nope, he hadn’t said goodbye to her, or even let her know he was leaving. She says she has to find a phone and I offer her my cell. The next thing I know, the bride is crying in the parking lot and I am running about the hall trying to find tissues. While I’m doing this I get a call on my phone. It’s FOB, who is calling me back because he apparently noticed someone had called him from my number. I ask him if he wants to talk to the bride several times as I go to find her. He never says yes, just sits silent on the other end of the line. Finally I hand the phone off to her. Although I wasn’t exactly privy to their conversation, he apparently told her he didn’t know they were doing a father-daughter dance (despite GMOB reminding him about it). Regardless, he didn’t come back to dance with his daughter. My husband stepped up and spent the entire dance trying to cheer his sister up and telling her she would laugh about this in 5 years.

Not long after the bouquet toss and first few dances we had to leave too. We would not have done so, but we were responsible for getting GMOB home safe, and as it is we didn’t get back to her house until after midnight. Before we left we noticed there were two wedding favors still sitting at our table. They were MOB’s and FOB’s, and had their names on them. I took them so the bride wouldn’t have to know her parents didn’t even take the favors she had made for them. Once we were gone there was no one left from the bride’s side of the family at the reception. I feel just horrible for what happened to her. She is a lovely person, made a lovely bride, and most certainly did not deserve this sort of treatment from those people who are supposed to love her most in this world. 1021-08

Rather than pick apart the faux pas in this story, the main point I’d like to make is that it prudent to not expect one’s wedding to be the catalyst for great family healing.  I’ve received stories in the past of brides attempting to force divorced parents to sit and even dance together as if the divorce never happened or trying to get absentee fathers to attend and engage in displays of affection such as the father-daughter dance.    A wedding will not change the family dynamics if those dynamics are flawed to begin with.   A selfish parent is not going to bec0me altruistic, fighting relatives are not likely to enter into a truce merely because a family member marries.  More likely a wedding will bring out the worst in people who have been hiding it barely under the surface in the name of some semblance of family unity.

A realistic approach is to recognize the inherent family flaws and not expect that these people will rise above it for the sake of someone else.  My mother used to say that we are not disappointed because we got too little but because we expected too much.  Lower the expectations and the opportunity for disappointment diminishes.

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Thank You Note After A Falling Out

February 2, 2012

Approximately four months ago I attended a wedding. It was an early morning wedding, the lunch reception was lovely and all in all it really was a special day. The bride was a good friend of mine, we initially met through a mutual friend and hit if off wonderfully. Upon asking her what she would [...]

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Same Wedding, Two Different Perspectives Two Years Apart

February 1, 2012

One of blog readers contacted me with a very astute observation he had made while reading the Ehell archives.    If you are a fan of the blog, did you know there was an archive of 7,000 stories from previous years?   Hours and hours of entertaining reading! Anyway, after finding said stories, I have to agree [...]

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Former Exes In the Bridal Party Sparks Jealousy

January 31, 2012

I have a question about pairing ex’s during my wedding processional: My fiance has a friend (Mariah) that he would like to be his “groomsgirl” and I have a friend (Phil) that I’d like to have as my “bridesman”. Phil and Mariah dated for about three years but they have been broken up for eight [...]

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Firing A Bridesmaid

January 30, 2012

I am engaged to be married in July 2013 and am having a bit of a dilemma with regards to bridesmaid selection. When I first got engaged, I planned on choosing my cousin and my younger sister, ‘S’, as bridesmaids. I don’t have any particularly close female friends, and figured it would be easiest to [...]

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